Bulimia has taken over

I was heavily restricting with the occasional b/p but it was never planned and usually because I was so starved. Then I tried to start eating more and tried to “recover” but instead that spiraled into full on bulimia. I don’t keep anything down anymore. I have huuuge binges and purge multiple times a day. I spend hours doing it, all I think about is food and how much I hate myself. I’ve become hands free as well, which is a total curse. It takes about 60 seconds to get everything out now, therefore nothing stays down anymore even if its what used to be a “safe” food. This is disgusting. I have spent so much money on binge food lately and I’ve been eating dairy because I never plan on keeping anything down anyway. My room is littered with mini trash bags full of wrappers, cups, and other binge things. My face is breaking out, my hair is falling out, and my face is incredibly round and puffy. Bulimia has taken over.

This is going to kill me

I’m so sure of it. If i keep this up my body is just going to give out. I don’t know what to do anymore, i’m so lost. I feel like this is eating me alive and i can’t fight it.

urbancatfitters:

i would absolutely punch a younger version of myself in the face

(via scalesareforfishies)

Trying not to purge ughhh

Too much trail mix, LOTS of guac, like 2 bites of egg less tofu salad (there was literally like 1-2 spoonfuls left) 1 small organic corn tortilla with spinach, mushroom, and a small amount of daiya, a couple more sauteed mushrooms that didn’t fit on the tortilla, and one veggie dog. (They are vegan, gluten free and like 50 calories). I feel so full and ughhh. I hate being full and this feels like a total binge but idk if it was or if it was reactive eating considering ive been keeping very minimal food down lately. I’m fighting with myself to keep this down even though it was a lot. I HATE THIS OMG WHY DID I DO THAT UGH.

New plan

Sooo i’ve been going back to being vegan lately…binged on cheese and a little meat last night. Fuuuuuuuuck. While doing it i told myself “you can have it to remind yourself how it’s not really that great and how awful it makes you feel” and that it did. I felt so damn physically heavy and ill and guilty. I just dont care for cheese and meat anymore, the taste isn’t as nice as it used to be. I’m incredibly guilty for eating animal products as well. It all started the other day when i accidentally ate a cheese alternative that i though was vegan but turned out to have casein in it. I have been lenient with being vegan because i had some food products that said “processed on equipment with dairy products” or “may contain traces of…” and then things with sugar or natural flavors which could be vegan but also could not.

I’ve felt better avoiding gluten and then yesterday i had a vegan lunch with some bread and wasnt terribly full or anything, but it made me so sick, so it has to be the bread. Gluten is gonna be something that i have very very rarely. I’m going to try a new plan, but this isn’t about restricting. I actually want to get myself to eat MORE since im keeping very little food down and restricting when i do eat, but focus on healthy, whole natural foods. I’m hoping this will help me get a handle on my b/ping, i go all day eating fine and then at night end up binging and purging. My new plan is this:

• absolutely NO meat, dairy, eggs, honey, etc… if it comes from an animal, i don’t want it.
• nothing that i am not sure is vegan. If it has regular sugar, natural flavors, or ingredients im not sure about, i wont eat it.
• mostly fruits and veggies, but also im going to work on adding proteins and fats with them so apples with peanut butter or veggies with hummus. Healthy fats.
• I need to also not talk about food at work and not eat at work because i always feel triggered when food comes up or when i eat at work even when it’s my safe food. I also have this fear that people think im obsessed with food or something, but it’s probably just me thinking that cuz the eating disorder is always on my mind telling me those things.
• I need to do light excercise everyday, like yoga and stretching or sit ups and stuff. Light things, but to make sure my body get’s more movement besides work.
• Take my medication at regular times

This is my new plan, i NEED to follow it.

becoming a ghost

writingsforwinter:

i became a ghost once,

and saw the reflection of myself

passing through all that i had left behind.

strangers i never knew in life

began, suddenly, to put roses on my grave.

often i would catch hidden glimpses

of my wrists, or my ribs in the mirror,

and i would ache for all that i had once been.

(via tea--princess)